10 June, 2010

Upheavals all around.

And no, that's not a (very) thinly veiled reference to my recent illness.

Things have a habit of changing, no matter how hard you hold on. Sometimes it's little things; gray hairs or crows feet, a little extra weight put on over the holidays, your favourite jeans coming apart at the seams. Sometimes it's big things; a sibling choosing a life path you don't agree with, the death of a loved one, or the loss of a friendship.

The BFG and I met on a mutual contract at the Ministry of Justice, hit it off immediately, and have been practically inseparable ever since. We've weathered hard times with our respective spouses, family drama, work drama, and everything else life could find to throw at us for the last three years. There were bouts of random silliness, sarcasm, people watching, shoe shopping, mountains of good food and probably a little too much booze. And now it seems our friendship has run its course.

I've always had a hard time saying goodbye. Himself doesn't understand that part of my psyche. When he broke up with his previous girlfriends he threw everything away. Pictures, notes, gifts, every piece of anything that could be counted a reminder of the relationship. I, on the other hand, have boxes of nostalgia from the myriad relationships that made up my life before I was married. He didn't understand at first that it wasn't because I had any regrets or untoward feelings about the ending of those relationships. It's because I want to remember. My life experiences formed who I am today, and whether the relationship was a good one that just ran out of steam, or a bad one that ended explosively, they're all experiences that I appreciate for what they were.

It's going to be hard to let him go. My frustration with how things have gone for the last few months aside, I have a lump in my throat and an unsettled feeling in the pit of my stomach. As he so succinctly put it, I have a hard time imagining my life without him in it. Looks like I'm going to have to try.

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