03 February, 2010

Internal ice water.

So, you know when you find out something nasty that's been said about you and it gives you that bucket of cold water feeling? I haven't had it for a long time, over two years actually, and it's funny how similar today is to that day.

I had a boyfriend before Himself. I know, I know, it's shocking, call me a hussy and move on. He was an awful person, smoked incessantly and was always hungover, had weird affectations like saying "moo" instead of "you". Including "I love moo" instead of the usual. Yeah, you read right. I lived with a man who said "I love moo". Why was I with him, you ask? Why was he not bludgeoned with a cast iron pan and buried in the garden, you query? I credit low self esteem. When I finally left him it took me almost a year to recover from his foulness, and I haven't looked back.

I once had a Scottish friend who went a bit weird when he realised we wouldn't ever be more than mates, and for a long time after we parted ways he'd email me out of the blue once every three months or so. That day over two years ago, he emailed me a song he'd found online that was about me. Literally, the awful ex had written a song about me after we broke up. It's title? "Fat". Not only is it offensive to the very last lyric, it's poorly performed (which, spoken as a choir nerd, is honestly the worst part). Talk about gallons of cold water, and I was incensed for days afterwards. That he would write something so vitriolic frightened me, and it was months and months after we'd broken up when he wrote and posted this filth on the net.

Today, the facebook trend seems to be urban dictionary, you're meant to look up your name and post the first thing that pops up as your status. Out of curiosity, I checked mine, and damned if I didn't get that iced water again! The third entry down is written in that same vitriolic style, spewing anger all over the internet, and the combination of names in the dialogue is too coincidental to be chalked up to my paranoia. The date on it? 2008, three years after our split.

It makes me grateful that I'm in such a happy place in my life right now. I have a great life, a lovely home, a fantastic new job on the horizon, and people that I love and that love me. So now I'm going to make a cup of coffee, cuddle my ever-demanding kittens and count my blessings.

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